In the next section of “I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” Joshua Harris introduces two concepts which prove foundational to the rest of the book: “Smart love” and “emotional purity” [although he doesn’t use the actual term “emotional purity” in this section, this is the term most often used to refer to JH’s concept of “purity and blamelessness in our motives, our minds, and our emotions” (25)]. It’s my opinion that these two phrases are oxymorons, or self-contradictory statements (such as “pretty ugly” or “an honest lawyer” [jk!]).
Anyways. JH says that, “To truly love someone with smart love, we need to use our heads as well as our hearts” (22). He goes to say that one way smart love can be applied specifically is coming to the realization that “I have no business asking for a girl’s heart and affections if I’m not ready to back up my request with a lifelong commitment” or, more succinctly, “Waiting until I’m ready for commitment before pursuing romance” (23). He gives a few more examples, such as when he “stopped viewing girls as potential girlfriends and started treating them as sisters in Christ” and when he “stopped worrying about who I was going to marry and began to trust God’s timing” (24).
(And just a note. If you hear anyone use the phrase “God’s timing” in regard to relationships, then run. Just run.)
So. What is contradictory about this “smart love” concept? Well, if you look at the examples thereof that JH gives, while some of them are IMO legitimate, like the not sleeping with your girlfriend one (22), a lot of them have at their core the assumption that “love” involves protecting one’s emotions from being hurt or strained, at all cost and above all other considerations. JH evidently believes that ensuring that one lives life in a safe, protected, risk-free emotional bubble should be the goal of every Christian and is the epitome of the abundant life that Jesus came to give us. And here’s the funniest part: he believes that through the courtship system, such a thing is actually possible.
I think “smart love” is an oxymoron because such a thing (true love that loves only as much as it is safe to love) simply cannot exist. I know this verse gets quoted a lot, but think about what it’s really saying in regard to the nature of love:
“If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge…but do not have love, I am nothing…[love] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (I Corinthians 13:2, 7).
Now. Obviously, if a spouse or boyfriend is abusive to you, you NEED to get out of that situation and not stay in the abuse because it seems like the “loving” thing to do. If your relationship situation involves any sort of abuse, you should get out. But what I and presumably JH also is talking about here is a normal, non-abusive relationship. And I just can’t reconcile the idea of love “believing all things” with the idea that true love means emotional self-protection at all cost.
As much as JH wishes to distinguish himself from American culture, I think one of the key motivations behind his relationship philosophy is in fact a very basic American cultural trait: the tendency to “worship safety” or to believe that safety is the primary goal of life and that it is actually possible to ensure one’s safety at all times (which, of course, it isn’t, because we do not “command the morning” etc. and no one knows what will really happen to them at any given time.)
When I went on this missions trip this summer, we had to read a book called “Crazy Love” by Francis Chan. This book challenged so many of my assumptions about the Christian life, and I felt like one part of it particularly applied to courtship:
“We are consumed by safety. Obsessed with it, actually…I am questioning how we’ve made safety our highest priority. We’ve elevated safety to the neglect of whatever God’s best is, whatever would bring God the most glory, and whatever would accomplish His purposes in our lives and in the world…People who are obsessed with Jesus aren’t consumed with their personal safety and comfort above all else” (133).
Now should you deliberately run out there and put yourself in a relationship you know will fail, just to make a point? Um, no. What I’m trying to say here is that an approach to relationships (which shapes a heck of a lot of stuff about your life) that is based on a fundamental error (the idea that safety is God’s priority and that it’s even possible to attain it) will obviously end up with some erroneous practices.
Now here’s the real shocker. Suppose you disagree with all of the above. Suppose you believe that emotional safety and “smart love” really is the ultimate goal of Christian living. Well, guess what: even if you follow the strictest courtship practices and jump through all the correct hoops, there is absolutely no guarantee that this approach to life will prevent you from experiencing emotional, relationship-related pain. Take me, for instance. All my life I’ve been incredibly sheltered from guys, from knowledge about guys, and from a chance to dress stylishly and attractively. No guy has ever dated me prematurely and broken my heart, but I’ve sure as heck experienced a TON of loneliness, feelings of unworthiness, insecurity, and even fear (because as much as we’d like not too, we all fear the unknown). I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a romantic movie or a real-life couple in love, and experienced pangs of intense sadness because I’ve never been able to experience that and fear that I may never get to. At times I’ve even questioned my basic identity as a woman because I’ve had to ask myself what is wrong with me, because guys have never seemed attracted to me.
If that doesn’t convince you, consider this: a very close friend of mine was “courted” by this guy for several years. Of course I don’t know all the juicy details but as far as I know, they did everything “right”: spent time at each other’s family’s houses, asked parental permission first, didn’t kiss, etc. They even got officially engaged and were planning the wedding, when, guess what. They ended up breaking the engagement off. Using courtship practices to define their relationship did not give them one bit of protection from the emotional pain they experienced with this break-up. In fact, I would suggest that in some ways, courtship sets a couple up for INCREASED emotional pain if they ever break up, because when you “court-someone-with-the-intention-of-marriage” you practically guarantee the other person that this relationship will end in marriage down the road. Whereas with a dating relationship, you of course don’t want to be aimless and directionless, but there’s not this like official promise that you will marry the other person one day, and so if you decide you need to get out of the relationship, it’s not as traumatizing.
Wow, this post is getting long. I will save the second oxymoron for next time. I’ll close with this quote by C.S. Lewis (again, this gets quoted a lot, but I think it really applies to the irony of “smart love”, and anyways, how can you say no to a little C.S. Lewis?) :)
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable” (C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves).
-Violet
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Monday, August 2, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
IKDG Part 2: Definitively Dating (p. 18-21)
In this section, JH shares a bit of his personal testimony of how he got burned out and discouraged with short-term teenage dating relationships. I have to agree with him that in some of the stories he shares here, the people were acting rather immature (like the girl who dumped her boyfriend and kissed JH literally the next minute). And I can understand how JH would feel fed up with all that.
However, this section is where one of the biggest flaws with his argument arises. JH shares these few examples of his own negative experiences with "dating," and goes on to talk about all the problems with "dating." However, he never sits down and says exactly what dating is. So without being given a clear definition, we're left to believe that these immature junior-high relationships are the only kind of "dating" that there is.
Check out this other blog post on "I Kissed Dating Goodbye: Wisdom or Foolishness?" http://ikdg.wordpress.com/2009/02/27/what-is-%e2%80%9cdating%e2%80%9d-and-what-did-harris-supposedly-%e2%80%9ckiss-goodbye%e2%80%9d/
This post describes various types of dating and how "it is quite possible for a couple to be involved in any of the above scenarios and do it in the purity that God commands us to." I'm sorry that JH had only negative experiences in his dating life. But it's not fair of him to assume that everyone's experiences are going to be like his. And his vague definition of "dating" (short-term, physical-based, immature teenage relationships) is NOT a complete or accurate definition of the term!
You know what I think is really going on here? JH says "I felt discouraged, confused, and desperate for an alternative to the cycle of short-term relationships in which I found myself. 'God,' I cried, 'I want your best for my life! Give me something better than this!' " (21). I think JH was experiencing a syndrome I have noticed a LOT in the conservative Christian community. They look around at our culture (or their ill-conceived ideas of it), see the whole world as going down the tubes, and desperately wish to distinguish themselves from "all that." Therefore, you get these over-the-top situations like familes who, instead of simply just skipping the R-rated sex comedies, buying TVGuardian, or fast-forwarding the "bad parts," go overboard with their media pickiness and can't even enjoy a totally fun and entertaining movie like Indiana Jones because they feel "disturbed" by the idea of Indy having multiple girlfriends. Or parents who don't want their daughters to look immodest or provocative in their personal appearance, and so forbid them from wearing makeup or dying or straightening their hair, and dress them up in unflattering, ill-fitting outfits that were out of style 80 years ago. (See my post, "Butterflies," for more about this.)
Now, to some people, this approach to life may seem right and good. But I've seen this "throw out the good with the bad" method create a lot of problems for people, especially in the area of dating. Allow me to illustrate with a personal tale: the tale of the closest I ever came to having a "date."
About 3 years ago, some people I know started a Bible club thing on Sunday afternoons for kids in a largely Hispanic, lower-income trailer park. I am a Spanish major and was really interested in using the language, and had done things with these people in the past, so a friend and I eagerly jumped on the bandwagon and began helping with the club. Now, one of the people who helped start the club was actually someone that I had not met before, and was this guy about a year younger than me whom we shall refer to as Adam (that's not his real name, but deal with it.) Anyways, Adam turned out to be this super-nice Christian guy who had a lot of similar interests as I did--he had been going to Guatemala every summer for several years (I think his uncle was a missionary there or something) and doing missionary stuff down there, he spoke Spanish fluently, was great with kids, etc. Now, (and this is not one of those romantic denial things, but the truth) despite the mutual interests and all, I geniunely did not feel any sort of romantic interest in Adam. Maybe it was because he dressed like solely in camo, and there ain't a thing wrong with camo, but I've always favored the more jeans/hoodie/Star Wars T-shirt type myself. And yay for being shallow. But. Anyway. I would have loved to know Adam better as a friend, because of the Spanish and stuff, and because he was just an all-around nice person, easy to talk to, etc.
Well. Like I said, he helped start the club, but wasn't able to attend consistently because he lived pretty far away from town and was involved with a lot of other church stuff. But he would still show up from time to time and help out, and we were friends on Facebook. One day we happened to both be on FB and were talking via FB chat. He asked if I had any exciting plans for the summer, and I said that I was going to Guatemala on a short-term missions trip, because I was at the time (this was last summer). Well like I said he had been to Guatemala a ton so we were talking about it and stuff, and then FB chat decided to be...well...FB chat, and malfunction. So we switched to FB email to finish the conversation. Via email we talked a bit more about the trip and then he closed by saying, "If you ever want to grab a coffee and talk more about Guatemala, that would be fun" or something to that effect.
OK, freak mode! What was I going to do with that? Well, obviously, I couldn't say "yes," or my parents would absolutely freak out and think this was a "date," and want to meet him and have him talk to my dad, etc. (Actually they would probably have said a flat-out NO, or suggested something stupid like inviting him over for family dinner or something.) But on the other hand, I couldn't say "no," because I would have to explain WHY I said no, and I couldn't do that without introducing into the conversation the idea that said coffee-getting was a "date." Now like I said I did not like this guy in the "like-like" sense, and I honestly do not think he made the offer with any sort of romantic or relationship intent in mind. So not only would it have been very presumptious of me and unfair to him to introduce this "date" element that he did not bring up, it would also have been really, really awkward. I mean, imagine it. "Hey, Adam, my dad wants to meet and interrogate you, and how are your finances right now? And while you're at it, I like crimson and rose for wedding colors." When all he had done was offer to grab a coffee together!
(And just to clarify. I live at home with my parents, and they are very aware of everywhere. I. Go. So if I had gone away to college or lived with a roommate or something, I'm sure I could have gone for coffee without any problems. But, that is not possible in my current situation.)
So, what did I do? I'm ashamed to admit that I did nothing. I couldn't see any way out of the situation without causing a major problem, so I just never replied to his email. I was hoping that since Chat had been malfunctioning so much a few minutes ago, he would assume that the email had malfunctioned and I had just never gotten his email. And nothing ever happened, so maybe he did assume that, and then forgot about the offer. Do I think this was a good choice? No. But it seemed the only option possible at the time.
I still feel sad about this. If we had been able to meet for coffee, it would have been a great opportunity to learn more about the culture of the country I was going to, since he knew so much about it. We could even have practiced speaking in Spanish. And it might have been the beginning of a very nice friendship. And who knows, if we had been able to spend more time together as friends, not to flatter myself but maybe we would have discovered that we DID like each other, and I might be a much happier person than I am now. (Of course, I probably wouldn't be writing on this blog. But. You know.) And if my parents had been less of the "omg they're meeting for coffee to have an imformative chat about a mutual interest, therefore it's a DATE, and that's BAD, because they are committing themselves emotionally and she's leading him on, and they're probably going to start having sex in the middle of Starbucks" mentality, all of that would have been possible.
But, no, alas.
This is why I think one's definition of "dating" is crucial. Especially if they are going to "kiss it goodbye." We don't have to define "dating" the way JH does--immature, young teenagers coupling up sexually, based on good looks & popularity, with no sense of responsibility or thoughts for the future. We were 2 college-aged adults who had a lot of things in common and could have had a perfectly innocent coffee & conversation. That wasn't a date, or a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. And even if it had been a "date," I don't think there would have been anything bad about it.
(As a side note, what is WITH Josh Harris's apparent advice to 100% break off a relationship the minute troubles arise or sin issues crop up? This is something I saw popping up again and again in IKDG. Does he think that with Mr. or Miss Right, you would never experience any temptations or difficulties?)
-Violet
However, this section is where one of the biggest flaws with his argument arises. JH shares these few examples of his own negative experiences with "dating," and goes on to talk about all the problems with "dating." However, he never sits down and says exactly what dating is. So without being given a clear definition, we're left to believe that these immature junior-high relationships are the only kind of "dating" that there is.
Check out this other blog post on "I Kissed Dating Goodbye: Wisdom or Foolishness?" http://ikdg.wordpress.com/2009/02/27/what-is-%e2%80%9cdating%e2%80%9d-and-what-did-harris-supposedly-%e2%80%9ckiss-goodbye%e2%80%9d/
This post describes various types of dating and how "it is quite possible for a couple to be involved in any of the above scenarios and do it in the purity that God commands us to." I'm sorry that JH had only negative experiences in his dating life. But it's not fair of him to assume that everyone's experiences are going to be like his. And his vague definition of "dating" (short-term, physical-based, immature teenage relationships) is NOT a complete or accurate definition of the term!
You know what I think is really going on here? JH says "I felt discouraged, confused, and desperate for an alternative to the cycle of short-term relationships in which I found myself. 'God,' I cried, 'I want your best for my life! Give me something better than this!' " (21). I think JH was experiencing a syndrome I have noticed a LOT in the conservative Christian community. They look around at our culture (or their ill-conceived ideas of it), see the whole world as going down the tubes, and desperately wish to distinguish themselves from "all that." Therefore, you get these over-the-top situations like familes who, instead of simply just skipping the R-rated sex comedies, buying TVGuardian, or fast-forwarding the "bad parts," go overboard with their media pickiness and can't even enjoy a totally fun and entertaining movie like Indiana Jones because they feel "disturbed" by the idea of Indy having multiple girlfriends. Or parents who don't want their daughters to look immodest or provocative in their personal appearance, and so forbid them from wearing makeup or dying or straightening their hair, and dress them up in unflattering, ill-fitting outfits that were out of style 80 years ago. (See my post, "Butterflies," for more about this.)
Now, to some people, this approach to life may seem right and good. But I've seen this "throw out the good with the bad" method create a lot of problems for people, especially in the area of dating. Allow me to illustrate with a personal tale: the tale of the closest I ever came to having a "date."
About 3 years ago, some people I know started a Bible club thing on Sunday afternoons for kids in a largely Hispanic, lower-income trailer park. I am a Spanish major and was really interested in using the language, and had done things with these people in the past, so a friend and I eagerly jumped on the bandwagon and began helping with the club. Now, one of the people who helped start the club was actually someone that I had not met before, and was this guy about a year younger than me whom we shall refer to as Adam (that's not his real name, but deal with it.) Anyways, Adam turned out to be this super-nice Christian guy who had a lot of similar interests as I did--he had been going to Guatemala every summer for several years (I think his uncle was a missionary there or something) and doing missionary stuff down there, he spoke Spanish fluently, was great with kids, etc. Now, (and this is not one of those romantic denial things, but the truth) despite the mutual interests and all, I geniunely did not feel any sort of romantic interest in Adam. Maybe it was because he dressed like solely in camo, and there ain't a thing wrong with camo, but I've always favored the more jeans/hoodie/Star Wars T-shirt type myself. And yay for being shallow. But. Anyway. I would have loved to know Adam better as a friend, because of the Spanish and stuff, and because he was just an all-around nice person, easy to talk to, etc.
Well. Like I said, he helped start the club, but wasn't able to attend consistently because he lived pretty far away from town and was involved with a lot of other church stuff. But he would still show up from time to time and help out, and we were friends on Facebook. One day we happened to both be on FB and were talking via FB chat. He asked if I had any exciting plans for the summer, and I said that I was going to Guatemala on a short-term missions trip, because I was at the time (this was last summer). Well like I said he had been to Guatemala a ton so we were talking about it and stuff, and then FB chat decided to be...well...FB chat, and malfunction. So we switched to FB email to finish the conversation. Via email we talked a bit more about the trip and then he closed by saying, "If you ever want to grab a coffee and talk more about Guatemala, that would be fun" or something to that effect.
OK, freak mode! What was I going to do with that? Well, obviously, I couldn't say "yes," or my parents would absolutely freak out and think this was a "date," and want to meet him and have him talk to my dad, etc. (Actually they would probably have said a flat-out NO, or suggested something stupid like inviting him over for family dinner or something.) But on the other hand, I couldn't say "no," because I would have to explain WHY I said no, and I couldn't do that without introducing into the conversation the idea that said coffee-getting was a "date." Now like I said I did not like this guy in the "like-like" sense, and I honestly do not think he made the offer with any sort of romantic or relationship intent in mind. So not only would it have been very presumptious of me and unfair to him to introduce this "date" element that he did not bring up, it would also have been really, really awkward. I mean, imagine it. "Hey, Adam, my dad wants to meet and interrogate you, and how are your finances right now? And while you're at it, I like crimson and rose for wedding colors." When all he had done was offer to grab a coffee together!
(And just to clarify. I live at home with my parents, and they are very aware of everywhere. I. Go. So if I had gone away to college or lived with a roommate or something, I'm sure I could have gone for coffee without any problems. But, that is not possible in my current situation.)
So, what did I do? I'm ashamed to admit that I did nothing. I couldn't see any way out of the situation without causing a major problem, so I just never replied to his email. I was hoping that since Chat had been malfunctioning so much a few minutes ago, he would assume that the email had malfunctioned and I had just never gotten his email. And nothing ever happened, so maybe he did assume that, and then forgot about the offer. Do I think this was a good choice? No. But it seemed the only option possible at the time.
I still feel sad about this. If we had been able to meet for coffee, it would have been a great opportunity to learn more about the culture of the country I was going to, since he knew so much about it. We could even have practiced speaking in Spanish. And it might have been the beginning of a very nice friendship. And who knows, if we had been able to spend more time together as friends, not to flatter myself but maybe we would have discovered that we DID like each other, and I might be a much happier person than I am now. (Of course, I probably wouldn't be writing on this blog. But. You know.) And if my parents had been less of the "omg they're meeting for coffee to have an imformative chat about a mutual interest, therefore it's a DATE, and that's BAD, because they are committing themselves emotionally and she's leading him on, and they're probably going to start having sex in the middle of Starbucks" mentality, all of that would have been possible.
But, no, alas.
This is why I think one's definition of "dating" is crucial. Especially if they are going to "kiss it goodbye." We don't have to define "dating" the way JH does--immature, young teenagers coupling up sexually, based on good looks & popularity, with no sense of responsibility or thoughts for the future. We were 2 college-aged adults who had a lot of things in common and could have had a perfectly innocent coffee & conversation. That wasn't a date, or a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. And even if it had been a "date," I don't think there would have been anything bad about it.
(As a side note, what is WITH Josh Harris's apparent advice to 100% break off a relationship the minute troubles arise or sin issues crop up? This is something I saw popping up again and again in IKDG. Does he think that with Mr. or Miss Right, you would never experience any temptations or difficulties?)
-Violet
Sunday, June 6, 2010
IKDG Part I: I Dreamed a Dream (p. 17-18)
Well, here we go! The first bit of my "series", "Alternate Realities: A Personal Response to Joshua Harris's I Kissed Dating Goodbye."
The book begins with the story of a dream, had by Anna, one of Josh Harris's many elusive friends. In the dream, Anna is getting married to this guy David, but, alas and alack, six other girls show up and stand next to David for the wedding ceremony. David informs Anna that they are "girls from [his] past" to each of whom he has "given part of [his] heart" in dating relationships. The dream concludes with David telling the languishing Anna, "Everything that's left is yours."
Now, there is probably no more interesting way to start a book than by telling a dream. Because, who doesn't like to talk about dreams? I have often found that a dream-telling session is practically a no-fail conversation creator when you're running out of things to talk to someone about. One of my favorite dreams to tell is when I dreamed that I accidentally got involved in the plot of this evil spy dude (he stumbled into my apartment by mistake because he thought it was where he was supposed to meet someone). We actually ended up falling in love, even though he was evil. But he had curly hair. So what did you expect me to do?
Anyway. As fun as dreams are, I'm not sure that it's very accurate to take a dream and extrapolate it to apply to real life as JH does in the first chapter of IKDG. Because dreams AREN'T reality. Even the least nightmarish dream has something bizarre and odd about it. I've no doubt that the dream!Anna was very sad about the six dream!girls who showed up with the dream!David, but that honestly has no correlation to the real!Anna or anyone else real.
Because, the dream makes it sound like "giving your heart away" to someone that you don't marry is unfair and cruel to the person that you eventually do marry. Of course, I believe that it's wrong to have sex before marriage, but "giving your heart away" is NOT the same as sex. I've noticed this confusion among many in the pro-courtship crowd. It's like they assume that your feelings and emotions are something you can package up neatly on a shelf and take down and unpack at will. But in real life, emotions are messy and complicated. Sometimes you feel something even though you really, really don't want to. Sometimes you feel something even if you believe it's wrong. Sometimes you feel something and don't even know that you feel it. I'm sure that some people would sleep better at night if they could tell their spouse 100% truly "I've never loved anyone in the world but you," but that is simply an unrealistic, and certainly an unbiblical, expectation.
I remember in the Mahaney's book "Girl Talk," which my mom once went through with me as a study, Carolyn Mahaney would have her daughters come to her periodically during their adolescence and "confess" to her which boys they had a crush on. In addition to being extremely invasive and embarrassing, this system makes no sense to me because the way we feel about people is simply not that simple!
Anyway, the point. JH is wrong to blame "David" for having attatchments to other girls before marrying Anna. People have crushes. People experience attraction. And people get in relationships, realize they're making a mistake, get out of the relationship, and start over again. (In fact, I know someone who was engaged and the engagement ended up getting broken off. And they were a courting couple!) And, if anyone here is nerdy enough, I'm sure we could hear some stories of "giving our hearts away" to a book or movie character. (hee...) And all of this is not equivalant to fornication or adultery. Believing that it is makes people awkward and repressed, afraid to even talk extensively to the opposite sex because that might be too much of an investment if they don't end up marrying that person. But how can you know that someone would be a good marriage partner if you don't invest in them prior to walking down the aisle?
-Violet
The book begins with the story of a dream, had by Anna, one of Josh Harris's many elusive friends. In the dream, Anna is getting married to this guy David, but, alas and alack, six other girls show up and stand next to David for the wedding ceremony. David informs Anna that they are "girls from [his] past" to each of whom he has "given part of [his] heart" in dating relationships. The dream concludes with David telling the languishing Anna, "Everything that's left is yours."
Now, there is probably no more interesting way to start a book than by telling a dream. Because, who doesn't like to talk about dreams? I have often found that a dream-telling session is practically a no-fail conversation creator when you're running out of things to talk to someone about. One of my favorite dreams to tell is when I dreamed that I accidentally got involved in the plot of this evil spy dude (he stumbled into my apartment by mistake because he thought it was where he was supposed to meet someone). We actually ended up falling in love, even though he was evil. But he had curly hair. So what did you expect me to do?
Anyway. As fun as dreams are, I'm not sure that it's very accurate to take a dream and extrapolate it to apply to real life as JH does in the first chapter of IKDG. Because dreams AREN'T reality. Even the least nightmarish dream has something bizarre and odd about it. I've no doubt that the dream!Anna was very sad about the six dream!girls who showed up with the dream!David, but that honestly has no correlation to the real!Anna or anyone else real.
Because, the dream makes it sound like "giving your heart away" to someone that you don't marry is unfair and cruel to the person that you eventually do marry. Of course, I believe that it's wrong to have sex before marriage, but "giving your heart away" is NOT the same as sex. I've noticed this confusion among many in the pro-courtship crowd. It's like they assume that your feelings and emotions are something you can package up neatly on a shelf and take down and unpack at will. But in real life, emotions are messy and complicated. Sometimes you feel something even though you really, really don't want to. Sometimes you feel something even if you believe it's wrong. Sometimes you feel something and don't even know that you feel it. I'm sure that some people would sleep better at night if they could tell their spouse 100% truly "I've never loved anyone in the world but you," but that is simply an unrealistic, and certainly an unbiblical, expectation.
I remember in the Mahaney's book "Girl Talk," which my mom once went through with me as a study, Carolyn Mahaney would have her daughters come to her periodically during their adolescence and "confess" to her which boys they had a crush on. In addition to being extremely invasive and embarrassing, this system makes no sense to me because the way we feel about people is simply not that simple!
Anyway, the point. JH is wrong to blame "David" for having attatchments to other girls before marrying Anna. People have crushes. People experience attraction. And people get in relationships, realize they're making a mistake, get out of the relationship, and start over again. (In fact, I know someone who was engaged and the engagement ended up getting broken off. And they were a courting couple!) And, if anyone here is nerdy enough, I'm sure we could hear some stories of "giving our hearts away" to a book or movie character. (hee...) And all of this is not equivalant to fornication or adultery. Believing that it is makes people awkward and repressed, afraid to even talk extensively to the opposite sex because that might be too much of an investment if they don't end up marrying that person. But how can you know that someone would be a good marriage partner if you don't invest in them prior to walking down the aisle?
-Violet
Saturday, June 5, 2010
IKDG: Initial Impressions
So I just finished reading the infamous I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I was actually very surprised--he never once in the book used the word "courtship"! I wonder who was the first author/speaker/pastor to attatch the word "courtship" to the principles and methodology advocated by JH in this book.
Also, he looooooves numbered lists. Just thought I'd mention that.
And to be fair, this book in and of itself is NOT as bad as the things that people have done with it are. It would have been totally possible to read this book and come away with an approach to relationships that, while still fundamentally problematic, is far less extreme that the approach you usually see among IKDG fans. Which begs the question, has anything been done to address these excesses? I can't find much evidence of it. I think this book desperately needs a new edition with updated examples (for instance, he talks about letter writing with that one girl he met at camp. How would such a situation differ today with e-mail, Facebook, etc.?) and that also addresses the problems that result from kissing dating goodbye, especially in the extremist courtship form. Because, if people want to refrain from dating, that is their personal choice. But they need to be aware that non-dating will NOT make them immune to emotional pain, immaturity, temptation, and (gasp) it might even make them miss out on God's timing for their lives. And don't I know it.
Anyways. More detail to come!
-Violet
Also, he looooooves numbered lists. Just thought I'd mention that.
And to be fair, this book in and of itself is NOT as bad as the things that people have done with it are. It would have been totally possible to read this book and come away with an approach to relationships that, while still fundamentally problematic, is far less extreme that the approach you usually see among IKDG fans. Which begs the question, has anything been done to address these excesses? I can't find much evidence of it. I think this book desperately needs a new edition with updated examples (for instance, he talks about letter writing with that one girl he met at camp. How would such a situation differ today with e-mail, Facebook, etc.?) and that also addresses the problems that result from kissing dating goodbye, especially in the extremist courtship form. Because, if people want to refrain from dating, that is their personal choice. But they need to be aware that non-dating will NOT make them immune to emotional pain, immaturity, temptation, and (gasp) it might even make them miss out on God's timing for their lives. And don't I know it.
Anyways. More detail to come!
-Violet
Friday, June 4, 2010
Coming Soon!!!
Dear readers, I now wish to announce to you my goal for another "series" on this blog: a personal discussion of/response to Joshua Harris's book I Kissed Dating Goodbye. But first I have a confession to make. Although I've read bits & pieces of this book in the past and am very familiar with its general concepts & effects, I don't think I've ever actually sat down and read the entire thing! *runs away and hides* So I've started reading through it, and I really want to start a series of posts looking at this book in depth, evaluating JH's ideas and sharing the (a clue: negative) effects that these ideas have had in my family and community.
Obviously, IKDG has been around for a while (because at one point he talks about VCRs! Gosh!) and while it is not the only anti-dating book out there, has certainly been very influential in setting the whole courtship trend. So I've dug out our family's copy, which has random parts underlined in pencil by an unknown entity which I thought was maybe my mom, until I came across a comment written in the margin which was in a handwriting I did not recognize AT ALL. Weird. But anyway. When I finish reading the entire thing (it's a pretty quick read though) I shall be posting about almost everything in it! Smart love, the gift of singleness, the shopping cart of doom, it's all happening, right here!
I've been partially inspired in this effort by this blog: http://ikdg.wordpress.com/. I hope this guy won't mind if I quote him a little bit (cited, of course)--his basic point is that some of what JH says in IKDG can be helpful for younger teenagers, but that when the book is applied to older singles it causes a lot of problems. Which I would totally agree with.
I haven't decided yet whether to just go through the book chapter by chapter, or go for more of a topical approach. I'm sort of leaning towards the former at this point.
So I think that's everything about it, except for one small yet crucial detail. I'm leaving very shortly on a short- (actually kind of long-) term missions trip, and I probably won't have much time to work on this while I'm there. However, I'll be back in late July, and hopefully ready to jump right into it! (My goal is to get the first installment or two up before I leave though.) So, pray do not abandon this blog--it is merely a temporary delay. And please feel free to share your opinions, critiques, testimonies, etc. I am actually super-excited about doing this!
Oh, and the name of the series will be: "Alternate Realities: A Response to Joshua's Harris's I Kissed Dating Goodbye."
Long titles ftw!
-Violet
Obviously, IKDG has been around for a while (because at one point he talks about VCRs! Gosh!) and while it is not the only anti-dating book out there, has certainly been very influential in setting the whole courtship trend. So I've dug out our family's copy, which has random parts underlined in pencil by an unknown entity which I thought was maybe my mom, until I came across a comment written in the margin which was in a handwriting I did not recognize AT ALL. Weird. But anyway. When I finish reading the entire thing (it's a pretty quick read though) I shall be posting about almost everything in it! Smart love, the gift of singleness, the shopping cart of doom, it's all happening, right here!
I've been partially inspired in this effort by this blog: http://ikdg.wordpress.com/. I hope this guy won't mind if I quote him a little bit (cited, of course)--his basic point is that some of what JH says in IKDG can be helpful for younger teenagers, but that when the book is applied to older singles it causes a lot of problems. Which I would totally agree with.
I haven't decided yet whether to just go through the book chapter by chapter, or go for more of a topical approach. I'm sort of leaning towards the former at this point.
So I think that's everything about it, except for one small yet crucial detail. I'm leaving very shortly on a short- (actually kind of long-) term missions trip, and I probably won't have much time to work on this while I'm there. However, I'll be back in late July, and hopefully ready to jump right into it! (My goal is to get the first installment or two up before I leave though.) So, pray do not abandon this blog--it is merely a temporary delay. And please feel free to share your opinions, critiques, testimonies, etc. I am actually super-excited about doing this!
Oh, and the name of the series will be: "Alternate Realities: A Response to Joshua's Harris's I Kissed Dating Goodbye."
Long titles ftw!
-Violet
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
This is Edward...my prince.
Question.
If you are a courting girl and don't like the terms "dating" or "boyfriend," then precisely what do you call your significant other? I've heard (IRL!) the terms "best friend," and yes, even "Prince Charming" (gag) used in a VERY cheesy way. (Because "best friend" has too much of a first-grade ring to it, and "Prince Charming" is a phrase that should NEVER be used outside of a Disney movie. Just sayin'.)
What lovely examples, O Reader, have you seen?
-Violet
If you are a courting girl and don't like the terms "dating" or "boyfriend," then precisely what do you call your significant other? I've heard (IRL!) the terms "best friend," and yes, even "Prince Charming" (gag) used in a VERY cheesy way. (Because "best friend" has too much of a first-grade ring to it, and "Prince Charming" is a phrase that should NEVER be used outside of a Disney movie. Just sayin'.)
What lovely examples, O Reader, have you seen?
-Violet
Monday, April 26, 2010
let's be honest here-the ins and outs of a first hand courtship mentality refugee
[And yes, the article is longer than the title surprisingly :)]
I'm almost 19. I'm single. All my friends date, or so it seems. Sadly, I will never date. Why? Because my family is a courting family.
My mom would probably never admit that we are a courtship family, even to herself. And I'm sure that that's partly because she doesn't even realize that we are. Why? Because all those "courting" families are so legalistic. You can pick out those families-and heck we ain't one. We don't wear skirts all day every day. NO, we wear jeans (just two sizes too big.) We're allowed to wear shirts that aren't t-shirts (just so long as they go up as high as t-shirts do.) We dont' have to have long hair or pin it up (we just can't straighten it or spend time on it, that's vain you know.) Sure! Mom says we can wear makeup (just be sure she'll judge you for it if you do.) And finally, YES you can date! (but here's a mile long list of rules and there's no guy good enough for you anyways.)
Do you see my point?
Basically, the parents of courtship families don't trust their kids. They have to have that control. But if their kids are such good Christians and all-shouldn't they trust them enough to let them out of their sight? These kids are supposed to be the "good kids" for crying out loud!
But OH NO! Boy and girl halfway across America and totally unrelated to you got caught having sex! FREAK!
And so the courtship method was born.
Courtship: total group activities, no guy friends, MUCH parental involvement, relationships with guys SOLELY with the end result of marriage.
But come now, let's be honest. When was the last time you were yourself in a group? Ummmm...like when you were 2 maybe? The minute we are old enough to be aware of it, no one is himself in a group. You're liable to be laughed at. We are socialized to act differently in groups (I had a sociology test on this a few weeks ago, trust me. I know.)And yeah, I've heard the argument that "no one is himself or herself on a date" Ok. So for one thing, that fact seems....poopy. And for another, OK FINE!!! YES! Get comfortable with a guy when you're just friends in a group setting so that when you're interested in each other and alone, you can be yourself. If a guy wants to get to know me, he needs to spend one-on-one time with me. We need to see a movie, read a book, go for a walk, go out to lunch, NOT be in a group setting. I'm not myself in a group, I try to fit in. (And fail miserably I'm sure.)
So maybe the "dating game" sets you up for divorce. Well, then courtship sets you up for hypocrisy. If dating is the cart that rams you into the right aisle, then courtship rams you into the left. (And betrothal shoots you into the frozen food bin, btw) There has to be a middle ground. No, I do not know what that is, nor will I expound upon it as the only way if I do figure it out. I'm just saying.
But, shopping metaphors aside, courtship sucks. The end.
(sorry for the MAJOR fail at a cool ending)
-Meg
I'm almost 19. I'm single. All my friends date, or so it seems. Sadly, I will never date. Why? Because my family is a courting family.
My mom would probably never admit that we are a courtship family, even to herself. And I'm sure that that's partly because she doesn't even realize that we are. Why? Because all those "courting" families are so legalistic. You can pick out those families-and heck we ain't one. We don't wear skirts all day every day. NO, we wear jeans (just two sizes too big.) We're allowed to wear shirts that aren't t-shirts (just so long as they go up as high as t-shirts do.) We dont' have to have long hair or pin it up (we just can't straighten it or spend time on it, that's vain you know.) Sure! Mom says we can wear makeup (just be sure she'll judge you for it if you do.) And finally, YES you can date! (but here's a mile long list of rules and there's no guy good enough for you anyways.)
Do you see my point?
Basically, the parents of courtship families don't trust their kids. They have to have that control. But if their kids are such good Christians and all-shouldn't they trust them enough to let them out of their sight? These kids are supposed to be the "good kids" for crying out loud!
But OH NO! Boy and girl halfway across America and totally unrelated to you got caught having sex! FREAK!
And so the courtship method was born.
Courtship: total group activities, no guy friends, MUCH parental involvement, relationships with guys SOLELY with the end result of marriage.
But come now, let's be honest. When was the last time you were yourself in a group? Ummmm...like when you were 2 maybe? The minute we are old enough to be aware of it, no one is himself in a group. You're liable to be laughed at. We are socialized to act differently in groups (I had a sociology test on this a few weeks ago, trust me. I know.)And yeah, I've heard the argument that "no one is himself or herself on a date" Ok. So for one thing, that fact seems....poopy. And for another, OK FINE!!! YES! Get comfortable with a guy when you're just friends in a group setting so that when you're interested in each other and alone, you can be yourself. If a guy wants to get to know me, he needs to spend one-on-one time with me. We need to see a movie, read a book, go for a walk, go out to lunch, NOT be in a group setting. I'm not myself in a group, I try to fit in. (And fail miserably I'm sure.)
So maybe the "dating game" sets you up for divorce. Well, then courtship sets you up for hypocrisy. If dating is the cart that rams you into the right aisle, then courtship rams you into the left. (And betrothal shoots you into the frozen food bin, btw) There has to be a middle ground. No, I do not know what that is, nor will I expound upon it as the only way if I do figure it out. I'm just saying.
But, shopping metaphors aside, courtship sucks. The end.
(sorry for the MAJOR fail at a cool ending)
-Meg
Saturday, April 24, 2010
TDOC, Chapter 9: I'm Standing Here Doing Nothing But Aging
The final bit! I promise!
Whilst vigorously searching the Internet to hear other people’s opinions on this topic, I was disappointed to see that, while there are literally dozens of websites and blogs dedicated to promoting the ideals of courtship, there is virtually nothing that even mentions the possibility of courtship having a darker side (except for the occasional Christian-betrothal advocate, who believes that the courtship system is too worldly and permissive—but that is truly another story). Consequently, I don’t know if there is anyone out there (with the exception of my sister) who has the same insider view on the courtship world, and feels the same way about it as I do. So to all you parents who believe that courtship is the only option for raising godly children, do consider my story and think of me once in a while. Think of me, who was tirelessly protected from the dangers of emotionally damaging break-ups, irresistible sexual temptation, and basic cultural competence, but was left totally vulnerable to something that often feels just as dangerous: the probability of long, long years ahead filled with female friends, Christian service, parental involvement, and complete and utter loneliness. Think of me, who seriously had nothing better to do than write this stupid article. And to all you shining-eyed sixteen-somethings who think I am just being whiny: grab a coffee with me in about 5 years, and we’ll talk. However, if there is anyone else out there who reads this and can sympathize with it, know that my heart goes out to you. Know that you are not alone in your loneliness. Know that there is at least one other person on planet Earth who is trapped, like you, between the high expectations of well-meaning parents, and an outside world that was never designed to accommodate those expectations. We are capable of understanding each other, because we are the ones who sat at home on Friday nights and cleaned the bathrooms while all our friends ate in fancy restaurants or went on long walks in the park. We are the ones who have stayed up late countless nights as if we could convince ourselves that another day was not going to pass by in which nothing had changed for the better. We are the ones who will probably spend the rest of our lives babysitting our neighbors’ children and ironing our fathers’ shirts, while every hour that passes makes it more and more unlikely that a change will ever come along. And at the risk of sounding melodramatic, we are the lost generation.
-Violet
Whilst vigorously searching the Internet to hear other people’s opinions on this topic, I was disappointed to see that, while there are literally dozens of websites and blogs dedicated to promoting the ideals of courtship, there is virtually nothing that even mentions the possibility of courtship having a darker side (except for the occasional Christian-betrothal advocate, who believes that the courtship system is too worldly and permissive—but that is truly another story). Consequently, I don’t know if there is anyone out there (with the exception of my sister) who has the same insider view on the courtship world, and feels the same way about it as I do. So to all you parents who believe that courtship is the only option for raising godly children, do consider my story and think of me once in a while. Think of me, who was tirelessly protected from the dangers of emotionally damaging break-ups, irresistible sexual temptation, and basic cultural competence, but was left totally vulnerable to something that often feels just as dangerous: the probability of long, long years ahead filled with female friends, Christian service, parental involvement, and complete and utter loneliness. Think of me, who seriously had nothing better to do than write this stupid article. And to all you shining-eyed sixteen-somethings who think I am just being whiny: grab a coffee with me in about 5 years, and we’ll talk. However, if there is anyone else out there who reads this and can sympathize with it, know that my heart goes out to you. Know that you are not alone in your loneliness. Know that there is at least one other person on planet Earth who is trapped, like you, between the high expectations of well-meaning parents, and an outside world that was never designed to accommodate those expectations. We are capable of understanding each other, because we are the ones who sat at home on Friday nights and cleaned the bathrooms while all our friends ate in fancy restaurants or went on long walks in the park. We are the ones who have stayed up late countless nights as if we could convince ourselves that another day was not going to pass by in which nothing had changed for the better. We are the ones who will probably spend the rest of our lives babysitting our neighbors’ children and ironing our fathers’ shirts, while every hour that passes makes it more and more unlikely that a change will ever come along. And at the risk of sounding melodramatic, we are the lost generation.
-Violet
TDOC, Chapter 8: The Disclaimer
I’m not saying that dating, in the usual sense, is without its own set of dangers and pitfalls. Neither am I attempting to dictate to you which option you should select. I merely wish to point out that declaring your family a “courtship” family is not the problem-free, results-guaranteed, total solution that it is often made out to be. If you choose courtship for your family, you need to be aware that your children are almost inevitably going to be hurt.
TDOC, Chapter 7: A Good Man is Hard to Find
Some people seem to have the attitude that if they conform to all the high standards of courting, refrain from having any relationships while in high school, and don’t act in any way that is geared to attract the attention of the opposite sex, that God is therefore obligated to create their ideal wife or husband made-to-order, and promptly drop him or her off on their doorstep the day after high school graduation. This is perhaps one of the saddest things about the whole thing, and I don’t want to talk about it much because it makes me really depressed. And anyway I’m sure that if you have actually made it this far in the essay, you’re probably really wanting me to wrap it up. Suffice it to say that the immediate appearance of a potential spouse who will satisfy both your parent’s expectations and your own basic emotional needs is a blatant fiction. In my case, for example, there has always been a very definite lack of potential spouses, ideal or otherwise, but I know that even if one did show up, I would never want to marry the kind of guy that genuinely believes in courtship. But neither would I want to ask a guy to formulate our entire relationship around a process that he does not genuinely believe in. But, obviously, my parents would never let me have a relationship with a guy that is not a courtship relationship. And thus the vicious cycle continues.
TDOC, Chapter 6: Would You Like Some Legalism With That?
And, dear reader, the problems go on. Other courtship-related dangers have to do with the often unmentioned consequences of choosing the courting lifestyle. For instance, I believe that courting can very easily become more about one’s personal status as a family in the Christian community, rather than being about doing what you honestly believe God wants you to do. Essentially, stating that your family is a “courting” family is merely a way of stating that your family wants to belong to a certain type of peer group, and be considered as certain types of people, in a manner similar to stating “Our family is a homeschool family,” “Our girls are modest girls,” or “Our family only watches G-rated movies.” It’s certainly worth mentioning that there are tons of perfectly legitimate Christian families who love their children deeply, but have never considered the courtship system to be ideal for them, or even remotely realistic. Like quite a good number of things often lauded by some people as “the Christian way,” the courtship system is largely a white, middle/upper-class, two-parent family, American custom. So basically, I usually try to avoid using the L-word, because it has largely become one of those blanket terms that people throw around when they can’t think of a better way to insult someone, and ergo has lost most really useful meaning. So whether or not there is a possibility of legalism lurking in the dark corners of the courtship system shall be for you, dear reader, to judge.
TDOC, Chapter 5: So Near and Yet So Far
Another logical fallacy I see in the courtship-related arguments is the statement that spending time with your significant other in group settings is the best way to see their true self, whereas spending time one-on-one with the person will give you only a false, superficial image of them. This is probably not the place for impolite language, so I shall say simply that this statement is poopy. It is simply a fact of life that, even in a group of the most like-minded, accepting people, it is necessary to suppress a part of oneself and conform to outward expectations to even begin to function in that group. I have documented evidence that whenever my sister offers me constructive criticism, she inevitably starts with the accusation that “I act differently around other people.” And honestly, who among us doesn’t? Wasn’t that one of the reasons that our parents decided to homeschool us (a factor that almost always correlates to courtship)—to avoid the warping influences of peer groups? And what about those among us who, like me, are decided introverts who never really enjoyed group activities in the first place? Surely forcing ourselves to attend group activities simply for the chance to be with our significant other is not a very good indication of the kinds of things we will do together once we are married. At least for me, if someone really wants to know what I am like, they should observe me doing the sorts of things I actually like to do—watching movies, playing Scrabble, making very bad music and staging very amateur plays…simply watching me have superficial conversations with various acquaintances at a group event will in no way give an accurate picture of the true me. And anyway, it just doesn’t make sense to expect that any close relationship can survive without spending any one-on-one time together!
Of course, we’ve all seen those people whose significant others become their entire existence. If you’re ever trapped in an awkward threesome with this sort of couple, they usually fail to acknowledge your existence, and you generally end up awkwardly pretending to text someone. These people sometimes make Facebook accounts solely for the purpose of interacting with their significant other, and, on the rare occasions when you manage to get a word in edgewise, all they want to talk to you about is their significant other. This act is unhealthy in any respect, because people are only human and will always find some way to disappoint you, and thus you need a basic foundation that will enable you to move on with the rest of your life, should your relationship with that person ever come to an end. So I’m not saying that the ideal relationship is exclusive to that sort of level, and neither am I saying that you shouldn’t spend time with your significant other’s family and close friends, since what those people are like can tell you a lot about how your significant other is (or at least, they can show you the tendencies that he is violently reacting against). However, the idea that it is wrong to spend time alone with your significant other just does not make a whole lot of sense to me.
Also, I have to say that the idea of doing only group-related activities is Just. So. Lame. Courtship/dating is supposed to be a romantic and special time in your relationship that you will only have once. Simply both attending a college group event at your local church which both of you would totally have gone to anyway, and calling said mutual attendance “a relationship” is an idea that quite frankly leaves a sour taste in my mouth.
Of course, we’ve all seen those people whose significant others become their entire existence. If you’re ever trapped in an awkward threesome with this sort of couple, they usually fail to acknowledge your existence, and you generally end up awkwardly pretending to text someone. These people sometimes make Facebook accounts solely for the purpose of interacting with their significant other, and, on the rare occasions when you manage to get a word in edgewise, all they want to talk to you about is their significant other. This act is unhealthy in any respect, because people are only human and will always find some way to disappoint you, and thus you need a basic foundation that will enable you to move on with the rest of your life, should your relationship with that person ever come to an end. So I’m not saying that the ideal relationship is exclusive to that sort of level, and neither am I saying that you shouldn’t spend time with your significant other’s family and close friends, since what those people are like can tell you a lot about how your significant other is (or at least, they can show you the tendencies that he is violently reacting against). However, the idea that it is wrong to spend time alone with your significant other just does not make a whole lot of sense to me.
Also, I have to say that the idea of doing only group-related activities is Just. So. Lame. Courtship/dating is supposed to be a romantic and special time in your relationship that you will only have once. Simply both attending a college group event at your local church which both of you would totally have gone to anyway, and calling said mutual attendance “a relationship” is an idea that quite frankly leaves a sour taste in my mouth.
TDOC, Chapter 4: The Inevitable Sex Question
Of course, not all of the above is necessarily bad. For instance, fathers do have a charge to protect their daughters, and it’s really not a good idea to pursue a romantic relationship if you know there is no chance of marriage ever coming out of it. However, I would now like to highlight what I, in my totally inexperienced and hypothetical view, see as some of the very palpable dangers of the courting system. First of all, one of the main reasons cited for choosing the courting system is the belief that chaperoned courting will prevent the couple in question from giving in to their baser urges and having sex before marriage (which I do believe is wrong, so don’t go telling everybody that I advocate it). According to the courting view, ensuring that the couple never spends time together unchaperoned is absolutely essential, because, were the couple to be alone together, even if they are in their 20s and have already been pubescent for several years, they would without fail abandon their personal beliefs, loose all control of their bodily functions, and forget how very inconvenient a possible pre-marital pregnancy is in the courting community, and would promptly break out into spontaneous sex, even on the seats of the movie theater during the louder bits of the movie, and if corner booths in reputable restaurants could talk! However, this view seems to me to belie a central component of Christian doctrine: the idea that God is capable of helping you control yourself when faced with temptation. Courting parents generally expect God to help their children submit to authority, keep their rooms clean, have a patient attitude with younger siblings, and not create online internet viruses that wreak havoc on the national economy, but for some reason, they don’t trust God to help their children not have pre-marital sex. I honestly have to question what it is about this particular sin that requires such special treatment.
TDOC, Chapter 3: That's the Way We Like It
For the most part, however, when people use the term “courting,” they generally refer to anything that is not “dating,” and which often specifically involves requirement of parental permission, attendance of group activities, marriage as the end goal of the relationship, close parental supervision, no unchaperoned events, and a strictly hands-off policy.
TDOC, Chapter 2: A Date By Any Other Name
That said, allow me to begin by saying that I in no way intend to engage in a battle of verbage. You may refer to the process of social interaction between a non-related male and female as “dating,” or you may call it “courting.” I do not care. It is one of my intentions in this essay to demonstrate that “courting,” as such, is not really an actual thing, but is more like a state of mind, enjoyed by a certain subset of people who basically sleep better at night if they are able to tell everyone that their family “courts.” Consequently, you may court and call it dating, you may date and call it courting, or use any other combination you can think of, but your vocabulary has little or no correlation to what actually happens to you. Naturally, it is this “what actually happens” category that this essay is concerned with.
TDOC, Chapter 1: The Lost Generation
I do realize that I have just entitled this little number “An Essay,” but allow me to commence by asking your permission to be a little flexible with the genre and share a narrative story of sorts. The story goes as follows. There was once a girl who always did well in school, mostly for the reason that she had basically no life, and who also had big dreams of having some sort of vaguely-defined adventurous experience, probably due to the fact that she had read far too many books over the years whose titles began with the phrase “The Adventures Of.” Time, after all, being rather otherwise than static, this girl eventually graduated from high school and attended her home school high school graduation. As her various (non)classmates share their journeys, hopes and aspirations for the future, she cringes as most of them recite a long list of grades, competitions and clubs, and she looks nervously down at her statement, which according to the recommendations of her mother consists mostly of “Violet is so grateful to her family.” However, as the ceremony drags on and on in a very boring way, she begins to notice another trend in the statements of the feminine segment of the graduating class: girl after girl describes their future plans as simply wanting to get married and have children. Imagine that! The girl tosses her head and congratulates herself on the fact that she is not like those frivolous and shallow-minded other girls. She has not wasted one moment of her teenage years on boys, dating, and the subsequent emotional damage. Rather, she has spent this time on more important things, such as preventing Awana children from killing themselves in the church parking lot, watching a set collection of about 20 VHS’s, and cleaning out the family garage an insane number of times. Right now, she is going to attend a local college, write the great American novel, and participate in as many short-term mission trips as possible. As she mounts the platform to receive her hard-earned diploma, a surge of emotional elation, or maybe adrenaline, courses through her, and she realizes the immense potential that such an decidedly single individual as she is going to bring to the world.
Fast-forward to almost exactly three years later. The very same girl, once so ecstatic and confident, is now basically an insecure, confused, 21-year-old emotional basket-case who is beginning this essay, which she will most probably never share with anyone, at 1:45 in the morning on a Friday night. What happened? No one knows for sure, but it is evident that this girl has realized that a life consisting solely of college, mission trips, and yes, even writing gets really old after a while. This girl has almost no male friends of any sort, and has at least 4 unanswered friend requests on Facebook because they are from acquaintances of the male persuasion, and last time she befriended a very, very casual male acquaintance on Facebook her mother interrogated her about it. After college graduation, which will occur in approximately one year, this girl plans to get a job in town and try to earn some money. This girl looks back at diary entries she wrote around the time of high school graduation, and feels that she is reaping what she has sown. This girl, by the way, is me. And, although she asked her dad a few days ago exactly where her family lay on the spectrum of dating vs. courtship and her dad told her he hadn’t really thought about it yet, her dad stated that definitely, if the question is made into a dichotomy, this girl’s family is a courting family.
This otherwise rather pointless little narrative makes a very nice cognitive connection to the real topic of this essay, which I have entitled “The Dangers of Courtship.” Ah, I’ve tricked you there, haven’t I. You thought I was going to say “The Dangers of Dating.” Alas, dear reader, alliteration is only the first of many things you shall be forced to dispense with when reading this essay. But I feel that you are fully capable of dealing with said deprivation. After all, I now feel that I’ve been living rather some time without any indication that my life would ever consist of anything more romantic than walking the family dog.
Fast-forward to almost exactly three years later. The very same girl, once so ecstatic and confident, is now basically an insecure, confused, 21-year-old emotional basket-case who is beginning this essay, which she will most probably never share with anyone, at 1:45 in the morning on a Friday night. What happened? No one knows for sure, but it is evident that this girl has realized that a life consisting solely of college, mission trips, and yes, even writing gets really old after a while. This girl has almost no male friends of any sort, and has at least 4 unanswered friend requests on Facebook because they are from acquaintances of the male persuasion, and last time she befriended a very, very casual male acquaintance on Facebook her mother interrogated her about it. After college graduation, which will occur in approximately one year, this girl plans to get a job in town and try to earn some money. This girl looks back at diary entries she wrote around the time of high school graduation, and feels that she is reaping what she has sown. This girl, by the way, is me. And, although she asked her dad a few days ago exactly where her family lay on the spectrum of dating vs. courtship and her dad told her he hadn’t really thought about it yet, her dad stated that definitely, if the question is made into a dichotomy, this girl’s family is a courting family.
This otherwise rather pointless little narrative makes a very nice cognitive connection to the real topic of this essay, which I have entitled “The Dangers of Courtship.” Ah, I’ve tricked you there, haven’t I. You thought I was going to say “The Dangers of Dating.” Alas, dear reader, alliteration is only the first of many things you shall be forced to dispense with when reading this essay. But I feel that you are fully capable of dealing with said deprivation. After all, I now feel that I’ve been living rather some time without any indication that my life would ever consist of anything more romantic than walking the family dog.
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