Because some people just like to have a foil...

I have recently discovered, through Facebook, a blog written by a girl that I knew in middle/high school through an extracurricular program. I'm not going to reveal this girl's name or link to her blog, because obviously I don't want her to know what I think about it, and also because I currently prefer a certain amount of anonymity on this blog. However, there really are tons of blogs like hers out there, and I think that the following sums up the essence of her blog fairly well: it consists mainly of a few snippets of home life, her convictions about modesty, her conviction that TV is ungodly, her conviction that public school is evil, her convictions about homeschooling, her convictions about childbearing, her convictions about sheltering future children, etc. etc. She has links on her blog to various organizations including Vision Forum and No Greater Joy ministries.

The wierd thing is that, when I knew this girl as a teenager, she was homeschooled/Christian-schooled sort of alternatively, and she always seemed to be one of the more "normal" hs/cs girls. If Facebook photos are any reasonable guide, she seems to have retained this normality up until the time of her marriage. She went away to a secular college, got engaged at age 19, and got married about 1 year later. Then, hey presto! she starts wearing only long skirts and dresses, wearing a head covering all the time, using less makeup, and planning to leave her part-time tutoring job in a few weeks to become a full-time homemaker (even though they don't have any kids yet--and she actually doesn't use birth control, but is having some sort of fertility issue which I didn't read about because that is a little TMI). And get this--because of an issue with her husband's job, they are going to move back to her parents' (quite rural) hometown, and will temporarily (but not that temporarily, considering the plans she has for gardens and such) live in her parent's basement. Do you see the implication there? If she is going to become a full-time homemaker, that means that when her husband goes off to work each day, she will essentially be home all day, alone with her parents.

The world is an interesting place, isn't it? I guess all I have to say is that I'm happy and all for the enjoyment she seems to be currently obtaining from the head covering, etc., but if you look at the Facebook photos you see clearly that she dressed in a perfectly fashionable, normal way while she was still single. It was only after she had successfully secured a husband that the skirts and so forth became God's will for her apparently. I'm sure she geniunely believes that she is following God by dressing in such an odd way, but it's easy for her to do, because she already has a husband who I'm sure loves her very much and thinks she is beautiful no matter what she is wearing. It's easy for her to not work at all outside the home, because her husband earns enough money to meet their expenses (not to mention the whole living-with-parents situation). But poor single moms or lower-income families who don't possess this economic luxury! And poor, poor single girls who imitate her style of dress prior to marriage, and thus get shoved even deeper into the pit of social isolation.

The really sad thing about this is that many people of my acquaintance would look at this girl's blog and remark on what a mature person they think she is (far more mature than myself, for instance). I mean, look at her self-assurance! Her convictions! Her counter-cultural stance! Her internalization of good parental values! However, just because I've spent the past three years watching Disney and BBC miniseries instead of developing a meaningful relationship, it doesn't mean that I am any less mature than she is. If anything, I would suggest that this girl is incredibly, vastly naive. To believe that a way of life completely inaccessible to the vast majority of the world's population is "God's way," IMO, demonstrates an utter lack of understanding about the basic ways in which the world operates.

Because, seriously, getting married and not having to work or save money, but instead spending the day walking around in swishy skirts, reading, gardening, and making the house pretty would not be entirely devoid of fun. But we do not all have her engaged-at-19 good fortune. And we're certainly not going to get it by means of the lifestyle she advocates.

However, I'm sure as heck going to be an avid reader of her blog in the immediate future. Because it can serve as a very instructive warning to me of a path that I should NOT go down, should I ever obtain the safety and security of a "good" marriage. And because, as one can observe from Jane Austen, some people just like to have a foil.

-Violet

TDOC, Chapter 5: So Near and Yet So Far

Another logical fallacy I see in the courtship-related arguments is the statement that spending time with your significant other in group settings is the best way to see their true self, whereas spending time one-on-one with the person will give you only a false, superficial image of them. This is probably not the place for impolite language, so I shall say simply that this statement is poopy. It is simply a fact of life that, even in a group of the most like-minded, accepting people, it is necessary to suppress a part of oneself and conform to outward expectations to even begin to function in that group. I have documented evidence that whenever my sister offers me constructive criticism, she inevitably starts with the accusation that “I act differently around other people.” And honestly, who among us doesn’t? Wasn’t that one of the reasons that our parents decided to homeschool us (a factor that almost always correlates to courtship)—to avoid the warping influences of peer groups? And what about those among us who, like me, are decided introverts who never really enjoyed group activities in the first place? Surely forcing ourselves to attend group activities simply for the chance to be with our significant other is not a very good indication of the kinds of things we will do together once we are married. At least for me, if someone really wants to know what I am like, they should observe me doing the sorts of things I actually like to do—watching movies, playing Scrabble, making very bad music and staging very amateur plays…simply watching me have superficial conversations with various acquaintances at a group event will in no way give an accurate picture of the true me. And anyway, it just doesn’t make sense to expect that any close relationship can survive without spending any one-on-one time together!
Of course, we’ve all seen those people whose significant others become their entire existence. If you’re ever trapped in an awkward threesome with this sort of couple, they usually fail to acknowledge your existence, and you generally end up awkwardly pretending to text someone. These people sometimes make Facebook accounts solely for the purpose of interacting with their significant other, and, on the rare occasions when you manage to get a word in edgewise, all they want to talk to you about is their significant other. This act is unhealthy in any respect, because people are only human and will always find some way to disappoint you, and thus you need a basic foundation that will enable you to move on with the rest of your life, should your relationship with that person ever come to an end. So I’m not saying that the ideal relationship is exclusive to that sort of level, and neither am I saying that you shouldn’t spend time with your significant other’s family and close friends, since what those people are like can tell you a lot about how your significant other is (or at least, they can show you the tendencies that he is violently reacting against). However, the idea that it is wrong to spend time alone with your significant other just does not make a whole lot of sense to me.
Also, I have to say that the idea of doing only group-related activities is Just. So. Lame. Courtship/dating is supposed to be a romantic and special time in your relationship that you will only have once. Simply both attending a college group event at your local church which both of you would totally have gone to anyway, and calling said mutual attendance “a relationship” is an idea that quite frankly leaves a sour taste in my mouth.