Who Turned On the Control Panel?

Ihh, I do apologize for the cheesiness of this post's title. If I think of a better one I shall replace it. Anyway. You guessed it--this post is about that bane of the feminine world, CONTROL.

Not to say that men can't be abusive/oppressive/etc. But I've lately been reading the amazing book, Captivated by John and Stasi Eldredge, and one of the things they talk about is how part of "the curse" in Genesis is that women will always have a sinful desire to be in control, and how without God's grace they will ruin their own lives and the lives of others with their controlling ways.

Trust me, I know about control. Because, although my mom probably is completely unaware of what she is doing, and sees herself as training us up/upholding good standards/protecting us, etc., she is in actuality very, very controlling of my sisters and me. Oh, not directly, of course. Not with literal punishments or, most of the time, actual coherent words. Instead, the control my mom exerts is an emotional control--directing and inhibiting our decisions and actions by a disapproving look, a too pointed question, an emotional withdrawal, a deliberate silence. She's got this one particular routine that I'm trying to come up with a good name for--if she's especially displeased with something (and usually it is not known what) she'll like pass you in the hallway or something and not even say "Hi" or smile, but simply look at you with this resigned expression, like you're so degenerate she can't even talk to you about it. She makes us feel that it is almost literally a moral sin to sleep in "late" on a non-school/non-work morning (and by her definition, "late" is like, 8 AM) and also to stay up "late" (i.e. any time past about 10:00), thus controlling the hours we are available during the day and making those hours coincide with her personal schedule as much as possible. My mom constantly presents herself to us as an extremely busy woman who never, never has enough time to do all the many things required of her--and thus makes us feel that our days, just like her days, simply MUST be filled with endless and undying work, especially since, when we were little, she made the immense sacrifice for us of being a stay-at-home mom, and now we owe it to her to return the favor by devoting the majority of our free time to working in her house. She often assigns us major household projects the minute our school vacations begin--such as this time, when we were assigned to paint the office and downstairs bathroom in our house. We have a rigid system where we make food in bulk and freeze it, then pull a meal out of the freezer every night for supper--because of this, every other Saturday morning we are required to spend the morning cooking a bunch of meals. Right now, she's insisted on a major overhaul of the backyard (which we NEVER go in) and consequently my sisters, my father, and I have spent the past several weekends shoveling dirt and chopping away at trees and shrubbery until the backyard is practically a desert and we have a lovely fishbowl effect going on with a direct view of our neighbor's back yard. Awkward.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we should just lounge about the house all day and never lift a finger to make supper or something--it's just that there are 5 women in our house, and there literally cannot be as much work as she believes there is. How did she take care of 4 little girls when she was the only woman around, if it was this hard? I literally feel like my mom creates jobs and perceived needs for us. And I also feel that she should understand that I am a 21-year-old single woman with absolutely no romantic "prospects" in sight, and also trying to finish college and work, and that my priorities right now might extend a little further than cleaning the bathrooms, etc.

So I seriously think it's all about control--the constant chores and work give my mom a way to keep us at home as much as possible, to monitor our activities, to mold our days and our schedules around her personal preferences, to ensure that her home is the center of our lives (not a desire to have a home of our own). I mean, if I am at home during the day and not doing some kind of useful task, I literally feel very uncomfortable! And not that everything we do at home is a waste of time--as I've described before, my family watches a precious 3-year-old during the day while his mom is at work. However, that still leaves the situation of one child and one house. Why are FIVE constantly working women required to keep this household at a functioning level? Control, control, control.

It's not just the housework, of course. Technically, we're allowed to choose our own clothing. But you can bet that if you buy something Mom doesn't like, you will be sent back to the store with a modesty lecture and a receipt marked "Return." She always said that when we were in college, we would be allowed to go where we wanted, when we wanted. But you can bet that if we just left the house without discussing our plans with her, we would return home to a "How could you not have told me?" "Where were you when I needed you?" "So where did you go?" or, if it's at any time past like 10, our poor tired dad sitting up in the living room waiting to make sure we were able to get home in the dark. And in theory, we're allowed to make our own media choices. But you can bet that if we bought an "unapproved" CD or movie, the comments would fly. This has been the consistent pattern throughout all of our adolescent and post-adolescent lives--for instance, past a certain point we were allowed to go on all the weekend & overnight youth group events at our church. But guess who always, always, ALWAYS volunteered as a cook or a driver or a chaperone.

Sometimes when I think about my mom, I'm reminded of this episode of The Dog Whisperer, where there was this beautiful collie dog (female, I think, interestingly) who felt that she had to be the "top dog" and the "pack leader" who was in control of everything that happened in "her" house. However, being in charge resulted in a lot of pressure on this dog, and she would literally freak out and bark uncontrollably at the smallest things, like the toaster popping up the toast. Cesar explained this dog's weird behavior by saying that because she felt she had to be in control, even the slightest disturbance in "her" house became a threat. It wasn't until he exerted some authority over the dog, communicating to her that she was NOT in control, that the dog started to relax and act normal. I've often wondered why my mom seems to always be so unnecessarily stressed (because, honestly, her situation, even with all the busyness, is, like 500x easier than that of the average woman worldwide). But now I think it's because she is like that collie dog--she feels she has to be in total control, and therefore anything and everything (us leaving the house without saying where we are going, us spending large blocks of time out of her sight, even me buying a new outfit) becomes a threat to that control.

PLEASE don't think that I'm writing all this to gossip or hurt or slander my mom. Because I do love my mom a lot. And there are a lot of good things about her. But, none of you know my mom and I would never say all this to her or to any of her friends or anything like that. But I feel that I need to write about this, because I grew up thinking that my parents knew "God's way" to do everything, and I think it's an important step for me to sort through my experiences and decide what was actually good and what wasn't.

Now comes the really hard part. I always thought of myself as being different than that. I always thought that because I never tell people outside of the family how to live their lives, have no sort of authority over anyone, and don't boss people around or assign them tasks, that I was not one of "those" controlling women. However, Captivated talks about another form of control--the women who become overly shy & unsocial, who never go out, who live in a very narrow sphere, and who never put themselves at risk emotionally, even for the benefit of another. And wow--that is SO me! I never realized that the whole shyness thing could be a form of control, but it's SO true! Of course, I understand that God gives everyone a specific personality, and that some people are naturally more introverted than others, etc., but seriously...I use the "introversion" excuse as a way to ensure that I have total control over my relationships with others. Even though my sister and I are visiting churches right now and thus this is somewhat justified, there's still something pretty ridiculous about the way I deliberately arrive at a church "fashionably late" and then make a beeline for the back door the moment the service is over. Am I afraid that someone new might talk to me, and thus disrupt my narrow circle of relationships? Even when I study on campus, I consistently avoid studying in more public places like the library cafe or the student center, but instead shut myself away in the "no talking" section of the upstairs library--that way I have the control of feeling certain that no one will interrupt my life by talking to me. I wear dark or neutral colors and unnoticeable clothing so I can slink around town in relative privacy (but in all honesty, anything that happens with my clothing is not entirely my fault. But that is another story.)

In the digital age, this is especially easy to do...you know, hide behind things like Facebook and email instead of actually spending time with actual people. And it doesn't help that my mother is super-incompentent socially and that I was raised with the general assumption that girls & women who spent time shopping, talking on the phone, or doing other activities with friends were frivolous, selfish, and wasteful, while "good" women stayed home with their immediate family as much as possible and spent a LOT of time doing church work and chores. (I mean literally--I still am afraid to talk to anyone on the phone for longer than 15 minutes!) Not to mention that this is one of the major cons of homeschooling (because there ARE cons--don't believe all those homeschooling advice books!)

But I want my life to be different. I want my life to center around relationships, and not around endless work. I'm not afraid to work hard, especially doing things that are actually necessary. But since I do not live on the 1800s American frontier, I believe that there is also time in life for leisure and fun and developing grace-filled relationships. But in order to do that, I'll have to relinquish the control that I have created in my life by being a shrinking violet who only ventures outside her immediate circle when she goes on a short-term mission trip. And I'll have to risk the emotional turmoil and lack of security that will inevitably result if I begin to center my weekends on something other than my mom's chore list. And both of those endeavors, are, quite frankly, rather terrifying.

-Violet

TDOC, Chapter 6: Would You Like Some Legalism With That?

And, dear reader, the problems go on. Other courtship-related dangers have to do with the often unmentioned consequences of choosing the courting lifestyle. For instance, I believe that courting can very easily become more about one’s personal status as a family in the Christian community, rather than being about doing what you honestly believe God wants you to do. Essentially, stating that your family is a “courting” family is merely a way of stating that your family wants to belong to a certain type of peer group, and be considered as certain types of people, in a manner similar to stating “Our family is a homeschool family,” “Our girls are modest girls,” or “Our family only watches G-rated movies.” It’s certainly worth mentioning that there are tons of perfectly legitimate Christian families who love their children deeply, but have never considered the courtship system to be ideal for them, or even remotely realistic. Like quite a good number of things often lauded by some people as “the Christian way,” the courtship system is largely a white, middle/upper-class, two-parent family, American custom. So basically, I usually try to avoid using the L-word, because it has largely become one of those blanket terms that people throw around when they can’t think of a better way to insult someone, and ergo has lost most really useful meaning. So whether or not there is a possibility of legalism lurking in the dark corners of the courtship system shall be for you, dear reader, to judge.

TDOC, Chapter 5: So Near and Yet So Far

Another logical fallacy I see in the courtship-related arguments is the statement that spending time with your significant other in group settings is the best way to see their true self, whereas spending time one-on-one with the person will give you only a false, superficial image of them. This is probably not the place for impolite language, so I shall say simply that this statement is poopy. It is simply a fact of life that, even in a group of the most like-minded, accepting people, it is necessary to suppress a part of oneself and conform to outward expectations to even begin to function in that group. I have documented evidence that whenever my sister offers me constructive criticism, she inevitably starts with the accusation that “I act differently around other people.” And honestly, who among us doesn’t? Wasn’t that one of the reasons that our parents decided to homeschool us (a factor that almost always correlates to courtship)—to avoid the warping influences of peer groups? And what about those among us who, like me, are decided introverts who never really enjoyed group activities in the first place? Surely forcing ourselves to attend group activities simply for the chance to be with our significant other is not a very good indication of the kinds of things we will do together once we are married. At least for me, if someone really wants to know what I am like, they should observe me doing the sorts of things I actually like to do—watching movies, playing Scrabble, making very bad music and staging very amateur plays…simply watching me have superficial conversations with various acquaintances at a group event will in no way give an accurate picture of the true me. And anyway, it just doesn’t make sense to expect that any close relationship can survive without spending any one-on-one time together!
Of course, we’ve all seen those people whose significant others become their entire existence. If you’re ever trapped in an awkward threesome with this sort of couple, they usually fail to acknowledge your existence, and you generally end up awkwardly pretending to text someone. These people sometimes make Facebook accounts solely for the purpose of interacting with their significant other, and, on the rare occasions when you manage to get a word in edgewise, all they want to talk to you about is their significant other. This act is unhealthy in any respect, because people are only human and will always find some way to disappoint you, and thus you need a basic foundation that will enable you to move on with the rest of your life, should your relationship with that person ever come to an end. So I’m not saying that the ideal relationship is exclusive to that sort of level, and neither am I saying that you shouldn’t spend time with your significant other’s family and close friends, since what those people are like can tell you a lot about how your significant other is (or at least, they can show you the tendencies that he is violently reacting against). However, the idea that it is wrong to spend time alone with your significant other just does not make a whole lot of sense to me.
Also, I have to say that the idea of doing only group-related activities is Just. So. Lame. Courtship/dating is supposed to be a romantic and special time in your relationship that you will only have once. Simply both attending a college group event at your local church which both of you would totally have gone to anyway, and calling said mutual attendance “a relationship” is an idea that quite frankly leaves a sour taste in my mouth.